Our Fine Girls are Single and Seriously Searching!-
OlumideJune
Recently
i overheard some people arguing on factors responsible for why we have
so many ladies and potential wife materials still single in their late
twenties and thirties not by choice but for not having found what they
need. This leads to my discussion of what will help to answer the
questions such as "At what point do ladies miss it? and at what point do
they start getting desperate?
Based
on the conversation that day, i discovered that not all ladies miss it,
some are just unlucky not to have ever been in a place where they get
to meet people to socialize with, while some are always
in the wrong gathering. Let's start from the scratch. A girl leaves
secondary school with the proper lessons parents have put in them
"Don't ever go near a man, they will get you pregnant". Some girls get
exploratory and they want to feel what it looks like and so they
disobey. Others are obedient and don't go near men. While others are so
rigid they don't even want to see men. With these three categories
created i am sure you can identify where you fell under back then in
high school.
Now
all these three categories leave high school and some go straight into
Uni. while some have to wait some years to gain admission into Uni. In
the process some change status. The explorers keep exploring, the
obedient ones sometimes get into relationships and want to explore and
the rigid after seeing that it would
not be bad having a taste sometimes change from been rigid to just been
obedient and give a clause i will only get close to my boyfriend while
some still remain so rigid. Now this stage is the stage where decisions
made either affect lives positively or otherwise.
Some
ladies have actually missed it out of greed while others have missed it
out of ignorance but i think majority have missed it out of wrong
decisions they made between the ages of 18 and 24.
I
remember back in school then, you hear ladies say i can't date someone
in the same class with me, others will say i can't date someone in the
same school with me, others will say i can't date someone my level or
someone still in school and the list goes on and on. Looking back
now these same people are desperately looking for someone to just say
will you marry me even if he is 4 years younger than them, without a job
and probably has a wife or has kids. This leads me to the question why
put yourself in this tight corner. Why not make the right decisions
early so not to settle for whatever comes your way.
Now
that the ladies are in their late twenties and thirties with some not
having any single record of a relationship and others having terrible
records, the same guys who they once said NO to will now want to get
married because the future is now becoming real and then think, these
ladies who are single because of their saying NO
"To a Guy because he isn't that prince charming you daydreamed about.
To a Guy because you are looking for the guy who has got same background as you.
To a Guy because he doesn't have that swags your former boyfriends had forgetting they all dumped you.
To
a Guy because you are in the same class or level forgetting that it
pays to be there when the struggle begins so that you can be referenced
when the struggle ends."
Will
this girl who has said NO because of all these things stay with me if
things get rough? and the answer they conclude with is NO so the men also
end
up looking for someone who is not their level and who they believe will
not say NO because of all the above therefore the circle keeps rotating
and the ladies tend to get desperate more as the day goes by.
Over
the years you will discover that the wrong decisions made were based on
the fact that they never looked into the future. All they were after
was the immediate benefits or status, you see a girl will prefer to date
a drug addict or a boy they know has another girlfriend just because
the boy is popular and drives daddy's car and goes to club and has
little cash to spend. Such girls will forfeit their opportunities of
having a guy who is focused, hardworking and has got a great future
ahead, just because the boy is still struggling at the moment. These
girls forget it is always sweet to suffer early so that
they will enjoy in the future. The old saying goes thus " It is the
woman who endures when it is rough that enjoys the benefits of
relationships/marriage" which means it doesn't have to be smooth all
from the scratch. But our present generation want it all smooth and that
is why the rate of divorce and breakups has risen in such an alarming
rate.
But
come to think of it, being single is not a crime after all. Do we have
to jeopardise our lives more after knowing fully well that we made some
wrong decisions in the past? The answer is NO. So why get desperate? Why
settle for whatever comes your way? Why not strategize a plan B if
marriage does not come knocking? Why live a miserable life all because
you wanted to be called a married woman? WHY??????????????
N.B When this post was sent to me by the author OlumideJune, he titled it 'When Ladies miss it and get desperate'. However i have retitled it. I am not sure i totally agree with him, i shall soon come up with my own opinion on this topic. Send us your opinion on why the single ladies are increasing and dont tell me men are unserious.
I believe there is a part 2 to this piece, watch this space
Thank you
This work shall not be copied or republished without permission of the author OlumideJune. (C) 2012.
19 comments:
Oya drop your comment, abeg no inbox or DM me, plenty people have been talking, lets say it for the world to hear
Sometimes, ladies give their 100% in relationships n still get heart broken. It makes you more cautious with the next guy. And really the right one just doesn't show up soon atimes. Most guys like to play around and get serious later, meanwhile they want a "good" girl......Life isn't the same for everyone,even twins, some will marry earlier than their peers.
Re:Anonymous 2, I totally agree with you on the fact that girls give 100% based on their own standards. But in the true sense of it they have only given maybe 60% and that is why the next guy doesnt come soon enuf. I can tell you from experience and years of counselling that there is no girl who gives 90% in a relationship that there wudnt be another good guy praying for her relationship to crumble so he can have her. Now u saying guys arent serious is like saying i get attractions of unserious guys reason bin you get what u offer. True life isnt same and not everyone is even commissioned to get married at a particular time. There is a season for everytin. But we sud ensure we identify our season and we dont plant seeds when the season is a dry one
I agree with anonymous 2, some have made serious commitments with very unserious people. God help us all, We not only have boys playing sround, but girls as well, Two cannot walk together except they agree. Both parties must be on the same page.
It is a nutty issue. Trust me, a lot of girls are too scared to ever go into a relationship for the fear of being broken-hearted. A couple of days ago, I sat at a table with guys who incessantly argued that the male specie would ALWAYS cheat; tradition. And with us sat a girl who has never been in a relationship. Guys have a faulty mentality. I am a girl. I do not always want to be recipient in a relationship, I like to be active, we should both call the shots. Gone are the days when women were obedient dogs. These days, we are in charge of our lives, and if being in a relationship would jeopardise that, let the guys stay on their own. I like to believe a few good ones are out there, we would meet, someday, and make a beautiful union.
Bisola is of the Woman power school of thought oh, true i believe in woman power and ability of women to call the shot but no doubt we men always love submissive wives and ladies. If you learn the art of submission it may just pay off. Its called stooping to conquer
hyI agree with what everyone has said here, it took me a bit to come up with my own opinion. here is my opinion,in this life there are two things involved n two people as well,people do things to suit them and justify it on their own beliefs n standards. u see from the beginning life has been about beliefs, goals and standard, we live by what we think is best for us n how we want to be referred to and so many more. its not about blaming women or men nw,its abt individuality.
i once met an igbo boy, God knows they hve standards.(lol) this man in his late thirties yet to marry has a very good job n still seriously searching for the right woman has a big problem, u know what it is? he wants a girl from his village that would know nothing because he thinks other girls from other ethnic group would nt b good for him, but believe me, table do turn, now hes desperate to b hooked.
standard n goals are important so i wont want to blame women and say this is the reason y they r husbabndless.
lets me put it this way,i say anything that is not of God doesnt wrk for me. so everything we do should be with what he has for us.
if we put our trust in he take us to where he planed for us n we shud stop doing things our way. i wont want to say too much
God will bless us all n give us great grace, joy n peace of mind.
hve a fab weekend all.
KEEP READING THIS BLOG FOR MORE EXCITING GIST.
There we go. It is right to be in charge of your lives cause am sure no Man wants to marry a dullard. But the fact still remains that there are foundational things that is expected of a woman to a man and also there are things expected of a man to a woman. When women forget those things due to the fact that they claim to be learned then the end isn't far away and same for men. It is so easy to hope for a good partner but so hard to make ourselves good enough for them. Let's start with ourselves before raising our hopes.
Sleek touch toooo sure...... respect ooooo. I agree with the God way of thought but remember it is that same bible that says heaven helps those who help themselves. God wouldn't come down and bring that perfect partner. We have parts to play. God will only design ways so they can meet. We will have to decide to utilize those ways or waste such connections. But the ultimate prayer should be God help us so we don't use life partners as part time boyfriends/girlfriends and vise versa.
Ok, the title is good branding.....very catchy especially in a society where a woman's importance is somewhat attached to the 'Mrs' prefix.
In life as well as in relationships, there are no hard and fast rules.......situations, scenarios, circumstances, background and conditions are usually different but one thing I can always depend upon are principles......they never fail.
It is true that some ladies make poor choices both to be in a destructive relationship or not to be in a relationship. This could stem from a lot of reasons: immaturity, fear, greed, ignorance, peer pressure and more. Growing up, we all had our ideas of 'Prince Charming' For some, the picture got tweaked, for others it totally changed because it was built on fantasy. Whether it gets tweaked or changed, it is very important a lady knows what she wants......to the one who doesn't have a firm orientation about her future, anything will go.
What is the focus? What is the goal? What is the prize? Is it to have a husband or to be fruitfully blossoming in a blissful marriage?
It does take awhile before quite a number of us can 'find ourselves'........unfortunately, some bad choices may have been made before reaching this point. Nevertheless, the journey fades away in the euphoria of getting to the destination. Those same bad choices can be turned into valuable experiences for a better future if we let it.
What am I saying? The first step to getting married (if you want to be) is to KNOW WHO YOU ARE. This would influence and determine WHO TO CHOOSE as a husband. I have found this to be the bane of a lot if issues in relationships. When you know who you are and what you want, certain issues become non issues. It takes awhile for some, we grope and try to 'find ourselves' but the truth is the knowledge of who we are can only be found in the one who created us: God
Knowing who you are (in Christ) helps you understand who to choose, to know what to do, to know how to deal, to know how to position yourself, to sense when opportunities arise, to recognize 'Prince Charming' when you meet him.
Now, some people believe that there is just that one person for you and if you cannot have this person, you have missed out on true love. This is so not true. God gave us the right to choose, if it were about His absolute will, we wouldn't have a choice. Since He created us, He knows what is best for us, still He gave us the right to choose and being guided by Him, we can make excellent choices.
Some ladies are not married yet because: they are not ready (even though they think they are), it is not time yet (though by society's standards they are overripe), they are focused on other dreams and aspirations (which is not a bad thing), some are too materialistic, some are focused on rules and fantasy....so very many reasons, in fact too many that I think it maybe wrong for us to generalize. Some of the reasons June mentioned are true, some are not. Like I said earlier, there are no hard and fast rules, just principles. Marriage though very beautiful is not the ultimate measure of life and the 'society's' attitude to unmarried ladies in no small way contributes to their desperation. Oh, that women would know that to be married is not the one-stop measure of their identity! To this cause I pledge!
Please forgive my 'write-ful'.....just had a lot to say :)
I saw this piece on the UCB devotional and i feel it answers some of the questions
Building Lasting Relationships 29 Oct 2012
'It is not good that man should be alone.' Genesis 2:18
God's plan for your life always requires building relationships with the right people. To succeed, you must be able to recognise these people and work with them. Remember Jonathan, who loved David even at the cost of his own life? Or Ruth, who loved her widowed mother-in-law Naomi and gave her a reason to live again? Or Paul, who wrote, '...I have no man like Timothy. For all men seek their own...' (Philippians 2:19-21). God wouldn't say, 'It's not good that man should be alone,' then tell you to do it all by yourself. But there may be areas in your life that need to be healed before you can enter these relationships and enjoy them. There's a world of difference between 'using' relationships and 'heart-ties.' Blood-ties don't wear as well as heart-ties. So allow God to work on you. When you are ready, He will make the necessary introductions. In the meantime, get to know Him better. Make His opinion the source of your self-worth. If your last relationship stripped you of worth and drained you spiritually, use this time to get back on your feet. You may never have this opportunity again. And one more thought: begin to love as God loves. He sees your imperfection, handles your rejection and loves you regardless. That should help you not to throw someone away because they made a mistake. You wouldn't discard your car over a faulty part, right? If God forgave you as you forgive others, what shape would you be in? Come on, let God teach you how to build lasting relationships.
@omoregee i have read your 'write-ful', i think we gonna ask you to write something one of these days, the write-ful makes a lot of sense, i am still reading it you know and i would like to digest it before making a proper reply but good defence you know.
Did you say 'who to choose'hmmmmm, thats a topic for another day u know. I think women should be able to choose but do they really have a choice, i mean how many ladies go out of their way to choose. they only choose between the suitors isnt it?
"Marriage though very beautiful is not the ultimate measure of life and the 'society's' attitude to unmarried ladies in no small way contributes to their desperation." That's why i can't stop loving omoregee......She hits it right on the head. That line says a lot. Back to your comment. I totally agree with identifying yourself and purpose in God. But remember it's not all about identifying yourself because God wouldn't come from heaven to implement his purpose for your life. It's all in your hands. Now after identifying your purpose and knowing that you need a God fearing man and then you wear a frowning face all over the street or you are very holistic in nature that you find it hard to even say hello to a guy (the rigid ones) how do you expect such purpose to be achieved talk more of saying they will have the opportunity of making a choice. God has given us the freedom to choose so has he given us the freedom to design how we utilize the life he has given us. As the yorubas will say "A tele wo eni ni a fin tu iwa ara wa se" which means it is your hands you will use to shape your life/future. So many have gotten it wrong in the past, they realize and then they still decide to continue that way. Others realize and give up. While the wise ones realize and take the bulls by the horn and say my life doesn't end here. There is more to me than marriage if it doesn't come. But at the same time they are open to it when it comes. So my lovely readers, inasmuch as marriage isn't all to life i still recommend our sister's to get it right as much as they can and be open to talks because we don't know it all.
True talk sir.
Realization of self through God's help is ultimate.
@Ife.......I sense the angle you are looking at it from but every human has the gift of choice. Yes, the man is more of the 'hunter' and does the finding from a wide array of options while it seems the lady's choice is limited to suitors who have made their intentions known but not exactly. The choices we make in our everyday living form who we are and also determines/decided who we attract. So, if I as a lady desire a particular kind of man, all I need to do is find out what attracts/appeals to his kind and I work on becoming that kind and then he will naturally gravitate towards me.......its a principle of life, so you see, we do have a choice..........looking forward to your reply :)
@June..........Oh fo' sure, it doesn't stop at coming into the knowledge of one's self, like I said it is the first step that will set the pace for other steps. This is because when we run/set out without a vision or destination in sight, there is a tendency to give way to distractions or 'look-alikes'
Thank you for sharing this, real talk.
@omoregee I like your response, well thought and makes sense. I believe that every trap must have what the prey desires, however not everything you put on a trap is sufficient enough to attract(especially when i can choose). I am sure it would be nice to see you write how to position yourself enough to attract the kind of man you want, however i want you to know that its not as easy as highlighted. Both sexes want the 'best' partners(note best is in parenthesis) so if you assume that doing what will attract your kind of man will sort it maybe not.
There a few other people doing same and this makes the woman still subject to who and what comes to her although she can influence who that is but to a very minute extent. I might be an advocate of women 'telling him' but on relationship matters i talk less and thats why OlumideJUNE is handling this. I seem to have my own ideas and they are a bit different.
@Omoregee.....Very true distractions come and look alikes surface but have you also considered that at some point in everyone's life in specific situations there becomes no destination or vision because it is assumed that they have passed their destination and all they need is a landing ground and such situation in this case is the desperate period in a lady's life. They discover they are fast approaching menopause age and so all they need is a ground that can be fertile and i guess that is one of the things we are addressing. Why miss it again after realizing you have missed it the first time?
@Ife......"Telling him" very good point. I was meant to add that to the reasons why they miss it. Pride never allows our ladies tell him or probably should i call it culture. But we are all learning everyday.
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