Letter to Uncle Useni Obama

Uncle Useni,

This might be a long letter or paradeventure a very short one depending on when ink finishes and when NEPA or now PHCN takes power abi na electricity. We do not have petrol in the generator, yes no fuel. The marketers, the aunty Ngozi, Brother Jona and co haff not solve this fuel palaver.

Apologies for not greeting you joor, E ku orire ojosi, Congrats on the Victory over your enemy,(did i say enemy, no mind me na how we see opposition for here be dat). As i was going to work that early morning, i heard the brothers on the truck screaming Sai Obama , Sai Obama, although i could not see their faces, i saw the onions. I knew definitely you must have won. How are you? How is everything? How is madam Aunty Michelle and the shildren, Hope they are doing well, If so Glory be to God. I am happy for you in this election matter especially because you wont have to move house in another four years, and you have a job. Imagine!

Ok, let me go straight to the matter before the battery of this laptop die finally. I have like 7 things i want you to do for me. Pls oh , Broda Barack, na beg i dey beg. U know say i no campaign for you because say i no like second term, but as you don enter abeg, make i beg you some small things.

1. Abeg give us light

I no sabi whether e dey possible oh but if i want anything from you Uncle Obama, na say make Naija get light, Seriously e tire me. This light matter don worry us sote, my heart just dey break steady, the heart don pafuka sef e no remain again. The last time wey i go Kenya for una people place, i hear say light dey wella. When dem announce say dem wan dey off light for some place for Nairobi six hours a day people dey complain. Abeg if you fit helep us arrange something like dat. I go appreciate am. I hear say dem don distribute all the power companies amongst themselves. Na Abdulsalami get the contract for the power wey go reach my village but abeg help us, Na beg i beg you, if e go need make we tap wire from dat side, i sabi plenty boys for NEPA wey dey do contract job, dem fit tap anything, all so dem go fit become permanent staff. If dem see that kain opportunity dem go do am.
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2. Take Uncle Jona with you

Broda Hussein, this looks like a tall task but can you come for Broda Jona and take him with you. Let him come and intern in the White House. Seriously you wont believe it but i believe so much on learning on the Job. I hear say some machine wan do magomago during una election abi carry head of INEC join for the matter. I for say make aunty Michelle sef carry Madam patience for the Journey but i no too sure oh. well i leave that tory for another day. If you think by taking the President we no go get leader , Oga you lie oh, Bros we no mind, we no get leader before sef, at least the money wey dem dey use chop for Aso rock for those days wey dem dey your side go dey national purse before Aunty Ngo decide where the money dey go.
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3. Call Fashola to Order

Bros, Now i dey write you this one as President of the world oh. Before everybody for our obodo Lagos dey sing, Baba ni guvnor wa na Tunde Fashola, Baba ni guvnor wa na Tunde Fashola, Fashola baba ni guvnor but recently the song don change oh, Na everybody Loves Jimi Agbaje, Everybody Loves Jimi Agbaje, Everybody Everybody, Everybody, Everybody Loves Jumi Agbaje. You see am, na becos of Okada oh. Broda Tunde Fashola wey many people think say na the Obama of Lagos don fumble oh. Abeg if u get him number call am say make him provide alternative means of movement for the people. We hear say Jagaban Bourdillon sef na your padi so e no suppose hard you abi no be you invite am come that debate. If you fit send us any train for that side abeg or any of una bus wey una don tire of abeg send am, many BRT buses don spoil oh based on lack of maintenance and these Okada people wey dey vex.
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4. We fit Change Police?

Not long ago bros, I hear say one Vigilante abi na Police for una side kill one innocent boy, Chai, na wa oh. Na one una see wey the whole country dey cry. No be so for this domot oh, Police dey slaughter people like fowl. Today na Ketu, tommorrow na Ibadan, next tomoro na another side. Bros e don tire us, if na to swap policemen from that side come this side e go dey alright small. My only fear na say una go need put all una officer for hotel as our barracks no try. Government no gree repair barrack, police moto no get fuel and if you think say na all those fine moto wey una dey use for police moto na im we dey use for here, No oh , Na Davido and other musicians get that kain moto for here.
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5. Boys dey find Job

Baba Sasha, e no easy for here oh, u know say as you be fellow black man i no fit dey blow you grammar. Boys find job sote PHD dey apply for driver. You see am so. Abeg if you fit do anything, abeg do am, I know say no be you be our president but if you see as people for this area take dey interested for this your election wey pass, BROS , you go sabi say we gbadun you for this side. You fit do am say make we join America or maybe if you complete your term for that side, join us join Kenya rule the two both of them. I know say unemployment sef dey dat side oh but no be like here. U sef talk am for your speech na say whatever person wan be for Oboda America e fit be am. Na so e suppose be my man. Abeg oh no forget boys, any job whether na dat side oh or this side, Just find chair and table for the boys with alert at the end of the month.

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6. Too many things Abeg!

Bros, as i check my palm see the list of things wey i still wan write send to you, i look say make i free you, i go still write you another letter, But Abeg put these ones sef for mind. Boko Haram: Na dem be our own Al-qaeda, I hear say the man wey kill Osama don die, abeg send im next in command make e come helep us, we no wan kill them oh, just so we go fit stop the bombing and killing of the innocent. Oh i don forget Jona and dem don dey negotiate. Ok bros, make i no forget as i dey travel now sef, Our roads no good, i sabi say no be you be our governor abi na you be FERMA wey do road last week and the road don dey spoil, i just say make i tell you. Baba Malia, if you dey interested for our matter the way wey we dey interested for your matter, you for do pass all this things wey i ask you. if you wan sabi whether na true i talk, ask how many Naija people no sleep during your debate, Ask how many tweet Obama, Ask them how many use u as Status or DP, Bros na uncountable oh, Anyways we go talk sha for my next letter about other things. I for say make you send us that person wey conduct your election but as hear say machine sef change election result for some side, if na for our side that one happen na matchete and bullet go sort the matter.
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7. That Visa wey we talk

Bros, as i dey celebrate that your Victory, no be say i too celebrate oh because as money no dey account, and food never arrange, but i still try celebrate, i see Ayobamiadebayo message say we go need buy aso ebi for January 20, that is for the Owambe for that side. I dey try follow some people talk wey go fit arrange me for the aso ebi package so i go dey dat side. Bros you owe me picture oh, you know say if i get that picture now, at least my campaign for next election don dey set be dat. Also i get suggestion for the gift pack oh. Abeg for those of us your family wey dey this side wey don buy aso ebi, abeg you fit put that una Ogbonge American passport for inside take away give  us make we sef become citizen. If we go need passport, no problem , Baba Photo dey near our house. If the passpor never ready we fit bring the green one make dem help us put one correct visa wey no need renewal till our blue one come. Bros no be say we wan change country oh na just to ease movement. In case if all this one no work abeg i no say you sabi head of Visa Lottery department, na your party e suppose dey from na abi no be from your zone. Abeg make he pick me sha, if he no pick me make he pick some of my padi dem oh.
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Bros i don tire
We go talk later
Una wey dey wonder why i introduce Hussein as Useni, na im real name be dat oh.
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Greet Aunty Michelle for me and my little sisters Sasha and Malia, tell dem say Uncle Ife is coming soon to greet them. I go bring Aadun, Ipakere, guguru, epa, boli, donkwa, kilishi, dambu nama, ugwu leaves and whatever you want from this side in January. Abeg no mind that Donald Trump, Na money dey worry am.
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Your brother in Melanin

Ife Bamidele